Much of this thinking comes from the influence psychoanalytic theory (early and modern) had and still has in understanding mental health issues, a theory born out of methods that most would find laughable today. It’s prominence was largely the result of its’ novelty and an illusion of science. Much of what it claims drives human behavior is not observable and its theories surrounding human behavior can appear fantastic, confusing and downright weird.
So what does that have to do with anything?
The introduction of psychoanalytic theory into the larger culture pushed us from looking to what people did as evidence of who they are to relying on things we couldn’t see, fully understand and couldn’t prove in trying to explain their nature.
There were earlier concepts of the self that later models of treatment pulled from. Definitions that paid less attention to unprovable factors that drove people to act and emphasized how people ought to act. These concepts were based on patterns of observable human behavior, a common understanding of happiness and the idea that suffering was not necessarily pathological but always an opportunity to behave nobly, draw purpose and become better.
So when you struggle with the question of who you are, consider focusing less on what you can’t see and will probably never understand. Try to focus more on what you do, the kind of parent, friend, spouse, boss or co-worker you come across as and the regard that those you care about hold you in. Consider looking at the difficult and painful experiences in your life as evidence of your ability to survive, your resilience. That despite these obstacles you are, or can become better than where you came from, what you went through or what you were born with.
That’s your “self “and it’s going to change. Who you are in your 20’s will be different than who you are in your 50’s. Your life was not programmed into you by the time you were 5. Your “self” will be the product of how consistent your actions are with your virtues. Abuse, trauma, depression are factors that influence your life but your survival and how you run your life is what defines your identity.
If you don’t like what you see or how you are defining yourself, then change it. Reconnect with your virtues, standards and expectations. Make sure they’re reasonable and do your best to stick to them. When you or others fail to live up to these, understand that authentic effort is what counts; stumbling here and there is worked into the equation. Don’t be afraid to get a little guidance from Aristotle, Jesus, Buddha, Vishnu, Moses or whoever else you consider to be good and wise.
When you’re dead, folks aren’t going to dive into the mysteries of your unconscious or subconscious in trying to figure out who you are; they will look to your actions.