The pursuit-distance phenomenon is a concept born out of systems theory and is used to describe a pattern that occurs between two individuals who, as a result of emotional fusion, are unable to gain healthy proximity in a relationship.
Flooding is the force that upsets the ability of members to successfully negotiate the normal tension that is the product of an individual’s desire to belong and his or her desire to act from self interest.
The pursuer tends to value proximity and can come across as clingy and needy. The distancer usually comes across as detached or cold. The manner in which the pursuer seeks proximity from the distancer causes the distancer to move away, frustrating the pursuer who reacts by increasing their effort in the chase. While the distancer appears calm and detached it’s important to understand that he or she is operating from the same “stuff” as the pursuer. It’s also important to note that a pursuer in one context may move to distancing behaviors in another even in the same relationship. A pursuer at home may be a distancer at work; one who distances him or herself when it comes to emotionally supporting a spouse may become a pursuer when it comes to finances or sex.
This chase becomes problematic when the pattern results in a family member escalating to a point where they act in ways that cannot be ignored (screaming, aggression, leaving the house for extended periods of time). It can also be the stuff that triangles (something we’ll talk about soon….I promise) are made of as the distancer will seek a third object to escape to and the pursuer will seek a third object in getting their needs met. It also creates problems for the pursuer as, depending on how the behavior manifests itself, it can create greater vulnerability to be manipulated and controlled. If you come across as needing me more than I need you, I can use that in ways that are less than noble.
One way to break the pattern is for the pursuer to just stop pursuing; this tends to make it safer for the distancer to approach as perceived expectations and intensity are ramped down and the distancer feels that he or she can gain proximity on more mutual terms. Obviously, the other way to break it is for the distancer to remain present and tolerate hearing the pursuer’s needs; this could reduce the pursuer’s need to chase and works to reduce the anticipatory anxiety they experience leading up to the pursuit that can make their presence feel overwhelming to the distancer.
For some folks this is like telling Little Debbie to stop making delicious snack cakes.
Just stopping the pursuit doesn’t mean changes will happen immediately or that the change will be enough for all parties. One reason skills are such a big part of the work with couples and families at my shop is that increased capacity to tolerate the urges or desires that drive maladaptive relationship patterns are many times necessary before people feel change, even small change, is realistic. Thanks for checking in!